Dark Come Soon

Sometimes I wonder why I ever bother coming back to anyone or anything..
When others ask me for help, I do all that I can. I don't half ass anything..
But when it's me asking for help.. Asking for advice; for peace of mind and help achieving it... There's no one there...

This is my example for needing you to work with me..
I don't know why my mind does this to me..
I cannot always rationalize my fears.. I can't see logic in the dark, or light when you've got me blindfolded.. That's why I ask for help... But you "don't know what to say to me."

You're done trying to make me see reason..
You don't care anymore.

For no reason.

Sometimes, I wish I felt pretty...
I know I'm not horrible...
But...
I want to be better.
I want to be more..
I want to look the way my personality feels to me..

It's a Thursday...
and I'm rather sad.

Awesome.

I can't sleep and I need to write..
Typing is the way to go in the dark I guess..

I hate the distant feeling that I get from you sometimes..
If I have a reaction to anything at all... Literally, anything... You pull away from me and that's it. I don't exist. You just fall asleep' that's your master solution. Somehow you're able to do it just like that, and then I'm left wide awake with my head in a million different places and I can't fucking stand it...

I can't control it if I'm going to have a reaction to something. What am I supposed to do? Just be a robot and not feel anything? Not react, or have a response like a normal person? Believe me, if I could just... not care.. about anything? Oh, I'd jump on it. You've taught me that not caring is the way to go, I guess..
It's usually your method to life...
So I suppose if it works for you it might as well work for me too right?

.................................................


I don't like this game anymore....

1000 Ships

IT's just the feeling of your heart against mine; pure emotion running through our blood sending us electric shock...

I need to feel your emotion. It's not even that I really want to have sex... It's just that feeling I get from being so close to you.. The craving for that feeling is driving me crazy right now..
Nothing is wrong.
You're in the other room.
We're going out tonight.
Nothing is wrong.
But I need to feel you.

Meh.

I keep seeing other girls in photos or on the beach....girls that you're talking to on your phone... and honestly, it's hard to say that my ego isn't touched... it totally is...
I feel self conscious.. I feel ugly.. mainly in the sense that my skin isn't clean.. I can feel the dirt, grime, and toxins in my pores and in my veins and it makes me feel worse than the pretty girls do...
I want to look like that.. not in the sense that I'm truly unhappy with myself... but in the sense that I want to feel as confident as they look.

I know things take time.. But sometimes I wish I could just wake up and have everything the way that I see it in my dreams.
Sometimes...yeah...

I want to be desired...